Don’t mind your own business

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I’m watching a tv series where once again maturity is being depicted as the ability to make “tough decisions”, them being decisions ignoring pain and suffering of others for the sake of personal or business profit. And for the first time, I am formulating a clear chain of thoughts and questions about this matter, starting with, that’s kinda bullshit. Making a decision for profit is easy. The world around us runs on hedonism.

The next thought in line is, why is this such a common belief. Where does it come from? Why do even I kinda believe that being mature means having the ability to disconnect from empathy? Why are we taught from early on that involving on an emotional level is a sign of.. stupidity? Or immaturity?

Seeing that particular scene of the tv series made it strikingly clear: the people behind this way of thinking are the ones benefiting from it. And when you think of it in the real world, it is true aswell. It’s the bully that will tell everyone to mind their own business. It’s the corporate criminal vouching for secret operations. It’s the narcissist isolating you from other people and their help. All this to stop people from seeing how their actions cause hurt and pain because if that would be seen, people would step in and stop them.

Or would they?

I have been now twice in my life in a long lasting situation where I have been quite clearly a victim of narcissistic abuse. In both cases one of the most difficult things to deal with has been the way even my closest friends have chosen to look away and to stay silent. I’ve heard reasoning like, “well that person hasn’t done anything bad to me” or “the things between you two aren’t really my business”. In other words, these friends have chosen to ignore how I have been treated, how much it has hurt me and how wrong this other person has done. Going to an extreme now, but I’m sure Hitler was nice to some people aswell so maybe these people really weren’t in a position to do anything. Agree? No?

These situations have been a real life example of how society has molded our thinking and rooted deep the beliefs that all personal matters should be dealt with behind closed doors. People sharing their difficulties openly get all kinds of labels from attention seeking to difficult. And again, discrediting the victims by labeling them is a powerful way for the abusers to get away.

Perhaps going through those episodes and having to heal from them, being more aware of abuse of the same kind in my social environment and studying these issues deeply due to the seed of interest and need to understand that my own experiences planted, I am firm in my conclusion that this kind of thinking is poisonous. By disconnecting from empathy, by isolating people to deal alone with their issues, by looking away and not interfering, we create a culture of enabling – for the wrong doers. We do exactly what is “good” for them.

We steal away each other’s opportunity to truly experience communities’ healing power. We isolate our sensitivity and vulnerability and enforce masks and roles. If we do not have a culture of empathy, listening and reciprocal care taking, we end up lonely. True connection becomes a rarity and alone we are so much more easily taken advantage of. Talk about a negative cycle…

During human history there have been certain individuals brave enough to look into how whole cultures have been dealt wrong. I’m sure that Dr. Luther King Jr was seen as an extremely difficult person by some folks at that time. Why be so loud about those things? Why not just deal with it quietly like everyone else? And heck, Gandhi if someone is a pain in the butt. For the wrong doers.

So, why are there people who can and will put their lives on the line just to do good? And we cheer for them. We call them heroes. Inspired by them, we share news and articles on social media, we endorse feminist values, environmental values, we say we want to fight racism, pollution, violence, war… and yet, when faced with a real life situation where a simple act of good could change so much, we choose to do nothing. We don’t want to interfere in what is “not our business”.

I suppose that having to go through what I’ve been through, I am more prone to actually say it out loud if I see something I think is wrong. I am also not afraid to behave in ways coherent with this view. I most certainly do not applaud for “diplomats” who want to stay neutral in situations where there clearly is a wrong doer and a victim. There are situations where simply because of the pain of the victim, there is no such a thing as neutrality.

I am forever thankful to the two women who stepped up and tried to do what was right even when both of them were also different level victims the same situation. Knowing how hard it was, how much courage it took and how uncomfortable it must have felt, I cannot be more thankful that at least someone was on my side and was not hesitating to say and show with their behavior that what was happening was not ok.

The interesting and scary thing is how I am still ashamed and scared to talk about these things. I talk about them again, and again, and again because I have to. Words are what slowly take the poison of those people out of my system. Being loud about these things is what makes me feel like at least I’m trying to do something about it and not just enhancing the culture of silence and playing into the pockets of the abusers. Words are my only weapon of fighting what I know is still going on. Words are my hope that someone out there, going through similar shit, reads this and understand that it is ok to talk about it. It is ok not to be alone with the pain.

I would like to encourage anyone who reads this to be that person who doesn’t just look away, who doesn’t find “reasonable” excuses to keep ignoring someone else’s suffering. Be the person who takes the extra step, be the one talking about these things even if it makes others uncomfortable. Don’t just mind your own business. Mind about other people aswell, mind about what’s right.

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Milan for a reason

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My voguing sister Jenni Milan organized a birthday ball “Jenni Milan 40 & Flawless” on last weekend. She brought an amazing international line up of dancers to teach workshops, judge the competition and to discuss the vogue and ballroom culture in an open panel discussion. It was a unique chance for the Finnish voguing scene to experience a piece of real vogue ballroom and to learn from some of the best in the world.

For me, the weekend was important in two ways. First, it was great to meet my international vogue family – other members of the House of Milan. My brothers and sisters came all the way from Slovakia, Romania, Taiwan and Estonia. As a person who often feels like an outsider, having a dance family like that feels good.

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The House of Milan: me, Mette, Jamal, Nicol, Stanley, Jenni, Aviance, Natalie, Monika, Viktor and Irina

Second, for the first time, I felt like I claimed myself in a vogue ball. I participated the hands performance / arms control category which means you can only dance with your hands and arms. I made my way to the semi finals but most importantly, I battled one of the best vogue performers in the world, Karina Ninja, and I won.

This was an important turning point for me because now I know that I can do this. I know that I can bring something new to the table and it makes me so much more confident. It’s not perfect or ready and as a dancer I’m always searching and evolving but I feel like I have been seen and recognized.

Up to this point, I’ve defined myself first and foremost as a house and hiphop dancer. I’ve sometimes questioned if I deserve to be a Milan because everyone in the family is superb. I suppose I’m not going to stop being humble and I still look up to the other members but now I feel like I am in the right place.

I am thankful to my father Aviance Milan (my vogue father) for seeing the potential in me way before I saw it and making me a Milan in 2013. To me, his dance is perfection and he’s always been very supportive of me. It was nice to experience that same love and support from other pioneering members of the house; Stanley and Jamal are icons in the voguing scene and their encouragement means the world to me.

Tokyo got my heart

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Tokyo… the city of many faces. You wander around aimlessly and end up in the most beautiful gardens, amusement parks right around the corner or narrow alleys with tiny restaurants and bars, and there’s always people. No matter where you look, you see beauty – carved ornamental door frames, flower plantings in the smallest of spaces and even the sewer lids are decorative. People are polite and friendly, yet keeping their distance, and somehow the multimillion metropol rarely feels crowded. History and tradition go hand in hand with modern technology and western influences, forming a unique atmosphere of simulatenous calamity and buzz.

Traveling to Japan had been a dream of mine for years. Now was the perfect time to travel alone and experience something new and I must say, just doing it was one of the best decisions I’ve made recently. Of course traveling alone to a country you’ve never been to, where you know nobody and where they speak a language you have only elementary skills in, can be a bit intimidating. But starting from the first step on Japanese soil, it was clear that it would be ok. The Japanese people were smiling and helpful and everything was so well organized that there was no trouble finding where to go to.

I spent a bit over two weeks in Tokyo. My home for that time was a cute and cozy Japanese style guest house called Kagaribi Inn near Kita-Senju station. So I wasn’t staying right in the middle of everything but in a quiet area where there aren’t that many tourists. And actually, I really liked it that way.

I definitely wanted to stay at a hostel in order to meet new people since I was traveling alone. Kagaribi was the perfect place for this because the owners also stayed at the hostel and many guests spent time in the common living room. I got new friends from France, Australia, China, Japan and even met people from India and Timor. Some stayed for only a few nights and some longer but everyone was made feel welcome.

During the first day of my visit, I walked almost the entire day. I started by going to see the Senso-ji temple (Asakusa kannon temple) which is the oldest temple in Tokyo and one of two temples that have survived from the Edo era. Obviously it is a popular tourist attraction nowadays but also actively used for religious purposes by numerous locals.

From the Senso-ji temple I found my way to the river and from the river bank I happened to see the Tokyo Skytree somewhere in the distance and decided to walk up to it. As I got there, I figured I could go all the way up to see the entire city and catch a glimpse of the majestetic Fuji mountain. It was a sunny and clear day so I was lucky – the view was simply amazing.

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Coming down, I took a tour in the shops at the root of Skytree. This is when I saw for the first time that it is actually true that Japan loves Scandinavia and Finland. There’s Finnish words here and there (like a fashion store called “Keittiö” which means kithen in Finnish) and at some of the most popular sights, Moomin cafes. Moomin are Finnish cartoon figures that seem to be very popular in Tokyo.

During my stay, I saw so much, went to so many places and met so many people that I cannot quite recall the order of things. The first half of my stay I dedicated to being a decent tourist – sights, good food and relaxing – and during the last days I spent mostly dancing, going to dance events and hanging out with friends.

I went to Meiji jingu; one of the biggest temples in Tokyo, the Akihabara electric town, the Yanaka ginza; an old world market street, Shibuya, Shinjuku, Ueno… Two weeks wasn’t nearly enough to see and experience everything the city has to offer.

A special place for me was the Korakuen garden which is one of the oldest Gardens in Tokyo. Even in winter time when only one flower was blooming and many trees didn’t have leaves, the garden was stunningly beautiful. Having had some turmoil in my personal life lately, itas been difficult to find peace of mind, but something about this place made me feel calm and hopeful. Spending time outdoors, feeling the warmth of the sun, seeing birds, flowing water and kids playing traditional Japanese games, walking around on quiet paths and feeling the history around me had me staying in the garden for hours without really doing much.

During my dancing adventures, I participated a battle called the Ultimate Dance Battle. It was a small dance event on the side of a massive hiphop event. There were thousands of people swarming outside of Studio Coast and at first I thought they were all dancers. I hadn’t realized that most of them were coming to see an MC battle and only a small bunch were dancers. But because none of the organizers really spoke English and my Japanese is so elementary, I didn’t quite understand where was I supposed to be and when and got in late as the preselection was already in full swing. I saw the skill level of the dancers and figured I didn’t lose so much just watching. So I just danced on my own in the corner as the cyphers were going on. The DJ was playing incredibly good music and I felt really good since there was no pressure and so it happened that one of the judges saw me dancing and wanted to put me through into the battles anyway. Well, I battled but lost in the first round. Good times nevertheless!

Besides UDB and dance classes, I also went to Juste Debout Japan. This time I just watched since I didn’t have a dance partner but I enjoyed myself tremendously! The technical level in the competition was amazing and especially the kids were incredible. I was very inspired by the dancing and actually it was nice just to watch for change. It was also nice to meet some friends and spend time with them and new acquaintances.

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Dinner with old and new friends

I met so many nice people, did so many interesting things and saw so many beautiful places that it felt like I would have stayed in Tokyo way more than two weeks. At the same time I felt like I could have easily stayed way longer and coming home, I was already planning my next trip. I still have the sakura blossoms to see…

Ex Animo

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From the heart, from the soul.

House dance is a truly special dance style to me. It is so technical and yet so emotional and I have never been able to express myself so fully through any other art form.

That’s why it was very appropriate that I got to be a part of a collective of four house dancers, called Ex Animo which is Latin for “from the heart” or “from the soul”. We performed our piece Other Side of the Game at a club last night. Enjoy!

Transformation

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The most beautiful butterflies have an ugly history.

Before they had colorful wings, they were grey.

They didn’t choose to be grey but that’s how life made them.

First they were worms and then life locked them inside a shell, temporarily killed them.

But only the momentary death unveiled their true glory,

the abandonement of what they grew up to be showed what they were meant to be.

Do not think that the butterfly could ever fly if she wasn’t a crawling, grey, wingless worm first.

Her wings became strong and graceful because she had to take her time.

Her colors protect her because she grew into the beautiful being she is.

She flies free because she transformed like life always meant her to.

 

via Daily Prompt: Transformation

Expectations surpassed in Baltic Session 2016

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Baltic Session is an annual dance event in Tallinn, Estonia. I have been going there every few years to meet up with friends and new acquaintances from all over the world, to dance my heart out and to get inspired by the battles and showcases. The amount of effort and passion the organizers put into it has always made the event very special; the theme changes every year and every detail is thought out to fit the theme. This time the theme was Star Wars inspired which was apparent in the gorgeous planet shaped DJ booth on the main stage and staff dressed up as characters from the movies.

This year I traveled to Tallinn for four days with my dear friends. I attended a few workshops and then I had decided to participate three categories; hiphop 2 vs 2 with Sami who I’ve been dancing with a lot lately, house 1 vs 1 and hands performance. I would have wanted to do vogue new way aswell but four categories would have been way too much for one day.

To keep it simple… I made it through the preselection rounds in all three categories. It may not sound like much but it was a huge deal for me. Being in the top 8 in house out of 80 dancers, top 8 in hiphop out of almost 100 couples and getting my “tens” in hands performance which I had never entered before, in a high level competition like that was a massive break through. I am so happy and proud of myself! It is definitely a new phase in my career to make it into the battles on a regular basis also in other countries than Finland, and this was the fourth time I did that this year. Finally I feel like all my hard work is paying off! Finally I feel like other dancers and people actually see me. I have proved the people who insist, that people only need to do one thing, wrong. And having these feelings makes me want to work even harder because it means I’m doing this dance thing to myself and to all other dancers who are being told to do just one thing and to ignore their depth as movers and artists.

I have had a rough time in my life lately and thus it was also very important to get to feel the good vibes and positivity. The after party was all madness! We danced 4,5 hours straight ahead and were pretty much the first and last ones on the dance floor. Oh, the sweet pain in your legs when you almost can’t walk anymore but pure happiness makes you move nevertheless… Priceless!

I was extremely inspired this time by this particular showcase by a Russian dance crew. Too bad the filming is a bit all over the place (professional but not very dancer-friendly) but I think you still get a sense of it.

All in all… expectations surpassed! The event was off the hook, I had so much fun dancing and I did better than I would have dared to expect. Over and out.

Life is a test and we all fail

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In the school of life, we get to do the tests we need to do in order to move on to the next level of self knowledge and survival skills.

Sometimes it seems, though, that the universe gets confused and hands on wrong events. We get to face difficulties and challenges that break us and bring us down. Some people will not pass the test and their lives crumble. Some people end up in impossible, desperate situations with no sense of getting out of it.

There’s a saying, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And sure, if we get normal lemons, we might be able to juice them and turn them into something nice. But imagine a situation where you get a giant pile of lemons, you don’t have a juicer, no money to buy one and the only help people give you is the cliche and an expectation of easy survival on top of it. Doesn’t seem like a good test, does it, when the chances of doing well are next to none.

Sometimes it is impossible to rise and shine. Some tests are impossible to pass. Sometimes it takes days, weeks, months or even years to get over a “failure”. Many times the only way of dealing with a test is to walk away from it. But we humans tend to be stubborn optimistic creatures and keep trying. In the Western world, we are also culturally imposed to the idea that all problems have a solution and usually there is one corret answer to each question. If we don’t get it right, the problem is within us.

I always excelled in school. I had all the answers and more. But to be honest, I have struggled with many of life’s tests.

Not knowing what’s the answer is tough. Having to create your own answers is tough. Finding an answer that other people disagree on is tough. Realizing afterwards that you want to change your answer is tough.

It has started to seem like the only right answer is, that there are no answers. Everything is complex and often murky, which leads me to question the whole starting point of my text. Are there any tests? Or does life just happen and then we survive? As a scientist, testing is a very delicate thing to me. Decent tests must be planned well and we must know what exactly are we testing. We also deliberately analyze the results to get into conclusions. Life doesn’t work like science, though. Science is a decent way of explaining, organizing and understanding the phenomena of life, but we all know that life tends to be messy, hard to predict and even confusing.

I also wonder, what would be a good answer? Are there correct outcomes in life? People have so many different ways of defining success while some don’t even bother to think about it. And in the end, the final result is the same for all of us; no one lives forever. So if life is a test, we all fail. So maybe the only way of dealing with this particular test, is to forget the test and just live.

Happy international day of failure.

via Daily Prompt: Test